


Lost

by denna5



Series: Jagged Pieces [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-11 04:43:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2054088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denna5/pseuds/denna5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He feels lost in this world but he isn't the only one.</p><p>Next part of Jagged Pieces, Steve's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a two shot and then the next fic in the series will be ongoing and will have Natasha and James back in the picture. This is fairly long because I really wanted to develop a few things. I will have the second chapter in at least a couple of weeks hopefully. Please enjoy.

Everything feels so different now that he is awake, now that he knows the truth. Steve has had to adjust to different before, had just started to accept his new body for what it was when he had to crash the plane but this is not like that. Nothing about him has changed this time, it is just everything else. So many years passed, so much time that he can’t have back.

He can’t sleep, finds himself wide awake and so very alone. He can’t stay in his room so he leaves it, wanders the halls.

There are people here, after all it is some sort of facility, some base for something called SHIELD but Steve doesn’t know these people and he misses those he did have. He has files about them, can find out what happened to each of them but it is still not the same and he finds himself exploring this place late at night if for no other reason than to have something to do beside thinking about what he has lost, about the fact that nothing is really familiar to him anymore.

He finds himself near the inside range, hasn’t really seen this part of the base before. He has only been awake and allowed to explore the last three days. There aren’t many people up and about right now, just random security so he is surprised to find that it is being used, can see light. He is curious, wants to see who is shooting so late at night. He starts to go in when another pang of loneliness hits him.

Bucky had been a good shot, quick, had saved Steve a few times. Bucky is the only one whose loss happened before everything else but it still hurts. He had been the link between skinny Steve Rogers and Captain America and it felt like a piece of himself was lost when he was .

He pushes the thought of Bucky away, the thought of the Commandos, of Peggy, of everything that was past and opens the door, keeps his steps quiet. He needs a distraction and since sleep can’t come, hopefully this will do.

The range is quiet, no sound of gun shots like he thought he would hear. There is very little sound but he can hear something hitting the targets. Steve walks along the booths, wondering what is being practiced right now if it isn’t guns. He walks down the lane, makes his way to whoever is practicing and as he gets closer, he gets a glimpse of the target that is being used, sees what has hit it.

Arrows. There are arrows in the target, quite a few of them and they are almost all near the bulls eye. Steve has never really seen a bow used in anything other than the movies and there is something interesting about someone using it now, hitting the target so precisely. Whoever the shooter is, they are very good, better than most of the commandos , better than Peggy, maybe even better than Bucky had been. He keeps walking, wants to find out more about what is going on here.

_Steve Rogers is in an alley being beat up the first time he meets Bucky Barnes. It is only about seven blocks from his house but he had ran into the wrong kids on his way back. He got backed into the alley when he refused to run or give them his lose change. The insults weren’t new and neither were the punches but a voice yelling was._

_“Hey, leave him alone.”_

_Steve was being held at the time and the voice is enough for the boy to loosen his grip just a bit. He tries to take advantage and drives his shoulder into the boy’s stomach. All it does is get him thrown to the ground but whoever the voice belongs to has come into the alley and Steve can hear a bit of a scuffle before the other boys run away. He starts to get up and as he does his apparent rescuer is standing there._

_“You all right?”_

_He says this as he looks over Steve, offer a hand to help him get back on his feet. Steve makes it on his feet by himself tells him that he is ok and looks the boy over. He looks to be around Steve’s age, bigger than he is but not by a whole lot, he has brown hair and his cloths are scuffed up a bit._

_The boys is talking to him again, his words blunt._

_“You should have ran away. They wouldn’t have hit you if you could out run them.”_

_Steve shakes his head._

_“Running doesn’t fix it and I can’t run very fast anyways. “_

_The boy nods at this. He is still here, looking at Steve like he isn’t quite sure what to make of him yet. Steve reaches a hand forward and the boy takes it, shakes it._

_“Thanks for stopping. I’m Steve Rogers by the way.”_

_“Bucky Barnes, you have somewhere to go?”_

_“Heading home.”_

_He starts to walk out of the alley and Bucky follows him. He tells him that he will be alright, that he doesn’t need him to walk him home._

_“Don’t have anything else to do.”_

_Bucky says this casually and Steve really doesn’t mind the company and so Bucky walks with him to his home, they talk the whole way, finding out a little bit about each other. They say good bye and Bucky tells him to be more careful next time._

_Steve doesn’t expect to see Bucky after that but he shows up the next day, stops some other boys from getting near him. He would be annoyed but he enjoys having someone around and Bucky is friendly with him. He walks him home again and they talk just like they did the day before. It becomes a habit, Bucky walking him home and soon enough, they are spending time with each other every day._

_It doesn’t take long for them to become friends, to become brother in everything but blood. They both don’t have very many others so perhaps it is loneliness that draws them together but Steve thinks it is more than that. Bucky plays protector to him and Steve does his best to deserve it and somehow they fit together._

Steve is close enough now that he can see who is shooting the arrows. It is a man who pulls the string back on his bow, lets the arrow fly towards the target with a confidence, like he knows it is going to hit every time. He is not that old from what Steve can tell, probably about ten or so years older than the age Steve was when he fell, still has a bit of youth to him. He is shorter than Steve, not quite as muscled but it is easy to tell he is in good shape, the short sleeve shirt he is wearing does nothing to hide how fit he is. He must work here but that doesn’t explain why he is here so late or shooting arrows.

“If you are here to tell me to go to bed, I’m not tired and I will put everything back when I leave.”

The man says this in Steve’s direction but doesn’t turn to look at him, just keeps firing his arrows.

“I’m not tired either and you look old enough to decide your own bed time to me.”

It is a joke and Steve has no idea how this stranger will take it. He lets out a little snort and keeps firing his arrows, still not glancing at Steve. He isn’t sure if he should be offended or not, it seems like manners are very different now and this may not be considered rude. Of course, Steve did walk in here and watch the man shoot when maybe he wants to be alone. He suddenly feels shy, unsure about being here and he thinks to turn around and leave. He starts to do so when the voice stops.

“You can stay, I don’t mind. Just you want to give me a name? I don’t know who you are, if you are someone I should remember.”

Those last words are slightly strange but Steve walks towards him, doesn’t think it will hurt anything to talk to him.

“We haven’t met before. Steve Rogers.”

The man finally turns and looks at him, bluish green eyes staring at him. Steve offer his hand out for a shake but the man doesn’t take it. There is a flicker of confusion that crosses his face before he seems to realize exactly who he is staring at.

“Shit, I was told that Captain America was found, was alive but I thought they were just messing with me. I mean they had to explain who you were anyway and I thought they were just ribbing me, though Coulson was super excited and now that I think about it, he doesn’t strike me as someone who would be a good actor.“

The man is rambling, lots of words coming out at once and he moves closer to Steve. He puts his bow down, is still staring at him, notices Steve’s hand stretched out. He looks at it for just a moment and Steve starts to feel a little odd just holding his hand out there, is about to put it back down at his side when the man takes it. His grip is firm and Steve feels callouses on his fingers as he gives Steve a brief hand shake.

“Any particular reason why you are at a shooting range at one in the morning, Captain?”

He asks the question once he has finished the hand shake. It is asked casually, no worry in his voice, just amused curiosity. His posture is straight but relaxed and Steve thinks it is a deliberate choice for him to stand that way, his bow on the ground but within arm’s reach. Steve still doesn’t have a name for the guy yet but he answers the question.

“Can’t sleep, slept for around seventy years, can’t sleep now. Any reason you are at a shooting range at one in the morning, Mr. ….?”

“Barton, Clint Barton. Like I said earlier, not tired.”

There is just a tiny bit of hesitation when he says his name, like he isn’t quite sure about it. He is sort of odd but Steve isn’t really sure how much of that is just the fact that they don’t know each other and how much of it may be the man’s own quirks. He is just a bit curious about him now so he decides to ask a question.

“Do you work for Fury?”

It seems like an easy question and Steve thinks at first that he may refuse to answer. The man, Clint, gives a bit of a shrug.

“Sort of. Field agent but not cleared for duty currently.”

The agent part Steve believes right away but he is a little confused by how he isn’t cleared for duty, Steve has just seen him hit a target many times and there are no visible injuries upon him. There is a moment of silences again , Steve breaking it after a while .

_The sun is shining, it is a hot beautiful day and many of the neighbor kids have started a baseball game. Steve can hear it from his room but he can’t play. He is sick again, a summer cold and he is alone, his mom not able to miss work. She left the window open before she left so he could have some fresh air but all it does is make sure he can hear all the fun the other kids are having._

_He tries to sleep but that doesn’t work very well. His throat hurts and he thinks about getting a glass of water but his body is achy from his fever and so he just lays there, staring up at his ceiling. After a while he can hear footsteps coming close and soon his bedroom door opens._

_“You weren’t outside. Sick again?”_

_Steve gives a nod to the figure at his door way. It’s Bucky, carrying a mitt that he places down. He comes into the room, looks over Steve as he comes forward. He touches Steve’s forehead, asks him a question._

_“Have you ate?”_

_He gives a shake of his head. He hasn’t been very hungry today. Bucky sighs, a sound that should come from his mother and not a boy around Steve’s own age. He moves back to the door with out a word, walks away. In a few moments, Steve can hear cupboards being opened and the faucet turning on. It doesn’t take Bucky long to come back and when he does, he is carrying a plate with a sandwich and a glass of water._

_“Scoot over.”_

_Steve does, sitting up as he does so. Bucky sits down next to him on the bed, offering what he has in his hands. He takes the glass of water first, downs it quickly. He eats half the sandwich, pushes the other half to Bucky who eats it with out a word. When it is gone, he takes the plate and glass back to the kitchen, returns with the glass full of water again. Steve drinks a little more before putting it down._

_Bucky looks over the stack of pulp novels by Steve’s bed, picks one up and lays down next to Steve, adjusting so that they are both comfortable. The bed is small and Bucky has had a growth spurt but he doesn’t say anything about how cramped it is. He always tells Steve that his bed is nicer than his_

_“Aren’t you going back outside?”_

_Steve asks. Bucky isn’t sick, no reason for him to miss out on playing. Bucky shakes his head._

_“I haven’t read this one yet. After I finish it, I’ll go play.”_

_Steve gives a nod, settles himself against Bucky. He sleeps a bit and when he wakes up, it is early evening. He is still cuddled next to Bucky, his head on his chest. The pulp novel is on the floor and Bucky is still there, asleep now and his arm is around Steve. He doesn’t wake him up, just closes his eyes and falls asleep again to the sound of Bucky’s heartbeat._

“You are a pretty good shot.”

Steve says this to Clint, wants to continue the conversation. It is providing a bit of a distraction from other thoughts. He has gestured to the target as he spoke and Clint is looking at it now. He stares at it for a long moment, like he is trying to remember something. He turns back to Steve after a few seconds.

“I am.”

Simple statement, maybe he isn’t much of a talker. Steve decide it won’t hurt to ask another question.

“Bows are something I haven’t seen used very often. Did SHIELD teach you?”

Another little shrug before he speaks.

“My file says I used to work at a circus and that is where I learned.”

“The circus?”

Steve wasn’t even sure if they had those anymore and now he is being told that Clint learned how to shot that well not from specialized training but from the circus. It is a little hard to believe.

“That’s what my file says.”

He shrugs as he says those words and Steve almost wonders if Clint is messing with him.

“So your file says you ran away to the circus. How did you really learn to shoot?”

 

“According to my file, I did a circus act with bow and arrow and that is how I learned to shoot.”

His voice sounds a little defensive now and he is a bit tense. Steve isn’t sure if he wants to deal with him if he can’t be bothered to at least tell him that he can’t tell him about how he learned to shoot. He starts to walk away but he doesn’t make it very far till Clint’s voice stops him.

“I’m not messing with you, my file says I learned to shoot at the circus and I have no idea if that is true, just know I can shoot but I don’t remember how I learned.”

There is genuine frustration in his voice. Steve turns back towards him.

“You don’t remember how you learned to shoot?”

Clint shakes his head.

“Is there anything else you don’t remember?”

“I don’t remember anything from my life until a month ago when I woke up here. Everything I know about myself I have been told or have read in files.”

Steve comes closer to him, looks him over and decides that he is telling the truth. Now some of what he said and how he acted makes more sense.

“I had apparently went on a mission, was missing for a few years and when they found me, I was hurt, bad enough I was in a coma. Woke up here with no idea what was going on, probably just like you did.”

Clint is looking at him as he says this and Steve gets why he is telling him this. He can understand what Clint is going through a bit, after all they are both kind of lost right now. There is so much he could say but he asks a simple question instead.

“What did you do when you woke up?”

Clint smiles just a bit before answering.

“Freaked out because I didn’t know where I was or who I was and the people there with me were a guy in a suit , with a gun holster on his waistband and another guy with an eye patch. I ripped out all the ivs, threw some water at them and tried to leave the room. Door was locked so I climbed up into the ceiling. It took an hour for them to talk me into coming down and I mostly did because I had to pee.”

Steve chuckles just a bit. Clint does as well and there are a few moments of silence but they aren’t uncomfortable. Clint breaks them.

“What did you do when you woke up?”

Steve tells him about waking up, about how they tried to pass it off as the 1940’s, about throwing people through the set, running into traffic. It is kind of nice to be able to tell someone about it. Steve isn’t sure which of them has it worse, him for waking up in a world not his own plagued by memories or Clint for waking up without any idea who he is. At least, they can talk to each other about.

They speak for a little bit more, Clint cleaning up the range as they do so. They decide to east breakfast together later since they are both stuck here. Steve hopes that Clint can still prove to help take his mind off of things when it isn’t so late.

_His knuckles hurt, his fingers as well, but Steve tries to ignore it. He stretches them out for just a moment before balling them back into a fist. He focuses on his footing and then pulls his fist back. He swings it at the bag and he doesn’t miss, hits it but the bag doesn’t move at all and there is more pain in his knuckles._

_“Don’t hit it so hard. You are going to have bruised knuckles if you keep this up.”_

_Bucky is right beside him, stops him from hitting the bag again. It just the two of them, the gym already closed but Bucky knows the owner and he talked him into letting them in when it isn’t in use. Bucky has grabbed his hand now, is looking over his knuckles._

_“It was your idea to teach me to fight, can’t complain when I wind up with bruises.”_

_“If you would just walk away more or not get into fights in the first places, we wouldn’t have to worry about any bruises.”_

_“I’m not the one with a black eye right now.”_

_Bucky lets go of Steve’s hand when he says that, scowls at him just a bit but it is the truth. There is a purple bruise right around Bucky’s left eye, still fresh from when he got hit yesterday. The other boy had been just a bit bigger than Bucky and hadn’t taken kindly to Steve when he told him to stop being rude to the girl at the store.   Bucky had become involved when Steve didn’t walk away and caught a punch._

_“This is nothing, Steve. It will heal up in a few days. “_

_Bucky says this to be reassuring but it just makes Steve feel a little guilty. This isn’t the first time Bucky has gotten a bruise from a fight that wasn’t his. Steve has been picked on and gotten into fights since before Bucky and it didn’t stop when he showed up and became his protector. Steve is fifth-teen now and the bullies haven’t stopped, only gotten bigger and Bucky still jumps in when he can and sometimes it gets him hurt._

_“You don’t have to defend me, Buck.”_

_Steve says this, goes to hit the bag again. It still doesn’t move. Bucky moves just a bit behind him, grabs his arm and repositions him._

_“I know I don’t but I don’t like seeing you get hurt. Now, we will work on this so I don’t have to.”_

_Steve nods and Bucky gives him directions. He can’t get the bag to move like Bucky can but he gets to the point where he can hit it without his knuckles stinging._

_“You should probably learn how to dodge a punch as well.”_

_Bucky says this once he thinks Steve has had enough of the punching lessons._

_“ Not sure you can teach me. Your eye tells me you haven’t learned how yet.”_

_He teases Bucky because he can and Bucky grins back in response._

_“He missed my other eye so I’m only half bad at it. You have less distance to duck so maybe you will be alright.”_

_Bucky is the only person who can tease him about being small, anyone else does and Bucky puts an end to it. Steve simply smiles at his joke and then throws a punch that Bucky doesn’t doge. It doesn’t have much force behind it and Bucky simply shrugs it off and throws one of his own. Steve does manage to dodge it and that makes Bucky smile._

Steve gets closer to Clint as days pass. He is very alone, everyone he has known is either dead or has lived an entire life with out him, but Clint is here and he understands a bit of what Steve feels. They are messed up, broken in ways, and that is probably what makes the friendship progress so quickly.

“You have a lot more stuff in your room than I do mine.”

Steve comments as he looks around. It is true, Steve’s room is very bare, not many things in it and most are not even Steve’s. He has his shield still, a few books that they have gotten him, paper files about his team that he still hasn’t looked through, a bed, table and chairs. Clint’s room in contrast has some boxes staked around, bed, table, chairs, a computer, his bow and arrows, various newspaper clippings.

“I had an apartment when I went missing, I didn’t have a lot of stuff there but when I didn’t return the first year apparently it needed to be rented out so Coulson housed my stuff and now it is here. "

Clint is fiddling with one of the boxes as he says that. He has mentioned Coulson before and from what Steve has gathered the man is Clint’s handler, also his friend, maybe one of the closet that Clint has. It make Steve a tiny bit jealous but he ignores it. It does raise a bit of a question though.

“Your handler had your stuff? Was your family not contacted?”

Clint shakes his head.

“Don’t have any at this point. File says I’m an orphan, hence the running away to the circus. Have a brother but the file doesn’t say where he is, if he is even alive at this point.”

Steve wants to ask more about whether Clint has anyone else but he stops himself. As far as he knows the only person who has visited him in the week and a half Steve has known him has been Fury. Surely if there was someone waiting for Clint, they would visit.

“You can look through it, if you want. I do sometimes. “

Steve does look, though it feels a little odd to just look at someone else’s life laid out. Clint has various things in the boxes but Steve really doesn’t pull out anything till a bit of purple catches his eyes. He touches it and it is material, not one he is familiar with. It is a costume of some sort, tights and a shirt and a cowl. It is a lot of purple.

“This is yours?”

He turns to Clint, holds it out to him, raises his eyebrow. Clint takes it from his hands.

“Circus costume.”

There is the shrug of Clint’s shoulder that Steve is getting used to and just tiny hint of a smirk that tells Steve Clint refuses to be embarrassed by this.

“It is a lot of purple.”

“I like purple and you can’t really talk about wearing tights. I have seen pictures.”

Steve doesn’t blush at Clint’s words, had accepted the uniform long ago.

“So did you have a fancy name at the circus?”

He isn’t sure if Clint will be able to tell him, if it was in his file or if he remembers it. From what he has said, Clint is starting to get little pieces of his memories back but it still isn’t much.

“The amazing Hawkeye.”

He says this with a bit of a cocky smile and Steve likes how it looks on Clint’s face, even if it reminds him just a bit of Bucky. Steve returns his grin.

They look through the boxes for a little while, talking as they do so. Steve asks about things but Clint tells him what they are, even if he doesn’t remember their importance. Their conversation ends when someone comes to Clint’s door, knocks and tells him that Fury wants to see him. Steve leaves.

_Steve had wanted to go the grave alone, needed some time to processes the fact his mother was now gone. He had went, walked the whole way there. It was a little cool and he probably needed a heavier jacket but he only had the one and he could deal with the chill. He cried there but on the way home, he had been able to stop and his eyes were dry when Bucky came._

_“How was it?”_

_Bucky asks, stands just close enough that he could touch Steve but he doesn’t. Steve shrugs, tells him it was nice, that she is right next to Dad. He tries to find the key, Bucky telling him he can come over, stay or Bucky can stay here. He can never remember where the spare key is and he hadn’t thought to bring his own._

_“I will be alright alone.”_

_He says this, once to reassure Bucky as he turns and looks at him. Bucky has the key and hands it to him._

_“The point is, pal, you don’t have to. I’m with you to the end of the line.”_

_This is when Bucky does touch him, a hand on his shoulder. It is a warm comfortable weight on him and Steve nods, opens the door and Bucky follows him in._

_He stays the night, even though Steve told him he didn’t have to. Bucky stays the next day, helps Steve pack a few things away and crawls into bed with him that night. He stays the day after, makes Steve eat a few eggs and pulls Steve so his head is laying on his chest that night. The next morning he leaves but by evening, he is back with a few boxes and he puts them down on the floor and tells Steve not to snore so loud when he lays next to him. A week later and Bucky has put all his clothes in the closet next to Steve’s and he puts his blanket on the bed, tells Steve not to steal all of it. He doesn’t leave._

After about three more weeks, Steve still doesn’t sleep much. His body doesn’t seem to need it as much as he did before the serum and there is still the fact that his body rested for seventy years. He isn’t tired most of the time and when he does sleep, it never lasts long, is always filled with dreams with nightmares.

He is in the middle of one right now, not just a nightmare but a memory. He can’t forgot the train if he tries, always seems to come back to it. He can feel the wind, the cold. He is never fast enough. Bucky is there and Steve reaches out for him but the railing starts to come loose. His fingers are still reaching out but it isn’t enough, is never enough and Bucky falls. Now it changes, the train is gone but he can still hear Bucky’s screams but Bucky isn’t in sight and it is Steve who is falling, the water coming up around him.

He wakes, body tense and he hears a knock on his door. He can still almost feel the water but the knock helps bring him to reality and he walks to his door, goes to answer it. It is late and he doesn’t know who could be knocking. He opens the door.

“Did I wake you? I can leave, let you get back to sleep.”

Clint is there, in a worn t-shirt and sweats. He looks a little nervous and start to turn to leave before Steve answers him.

“You did but I wasn’t sleeping well anyway. You want to come in?”

Clint nods and walks in.

“Anything wrong?”

Clint seems alright but there has to be a reason he is here in the middle of the night.

“Nothing more wrong than usual. Couldn’t sleep, didn’t want to be alone. Only people here that I talk to are you and the trainees Fury has me teaching to shoot but I like you better.”

This makes Steve smile just a bit and he pulls out a chair and Clint does the same.

“ We can not sleep together then. How goes the shooting lessons?”

Steve had known about them, Clint telling him Fury wanted him to have something to do while he recovered but he hasn’t really talked to Clint about them. They find other things to talk about most of the time.

“I can show them how to shoot, can out shoot all of them. I just wished that I knew what I did before, that I was 100 percent because some of the students are treating me like glass. Some of them will try to talk to me about things they have heard about me and I have no fucking clue if it is true or some made up story.”

There is frustration in his voice and Steve understands it. He has avoided a lot of people here for the same reasons, the constant questioning , the asking how he is dealing with things. At least he knows his past, even if it is haunting him at times, Clint is still missing large chunks, has remembered not much at all.

“I can’t sleep most of the time because the bed feels cold, empty. I think I’m not used to sleeping alone.”

He is still talking and Steve catches those words.

“Did you have someone before this? Did anyone tell you that there is someone waiting for you?”

Steve waits for an answer. He hasn’t seen anyone visit Clint, there are no rings in his belongings.

“No one that I know of. “

There is a sense of relief at those words and it catches Steve off guard. He is getting attached to Clint and he knows that it isn’t just friendship feelings. He is starting to think of Clint in ways he did Peggy, ways he did with Bucky and he isn’t sure if that is a good idea. Clint still looks just a little troubled but he shakes his head a bit.

“ It probably isn’t anything, just me being uncomfortable and trying to get reused to things. You got any cards? “

Clint asks and Steve can tell he doesn’t want to think about it anymore. He does have some playing cards and he gets them out.

“We could play rummy.”

Steve starts to shuffle the cards, it is one of the first games he learned how to play and he taught Bucky how to play it.

“You may have to teach me. Not sure if I know how to play.”

Steve nods and he shows him. Clint isn’t very good at it but he seems to enjoy it.

“Did you play this a lot?”

Clint asks and Steve nods.

“Bucky and I used to play some nights. I would beat him most of the time, it was one of the few things I was better at than he was.”

Steve doesn’t talk about Bucky much, some of the phycologists that SHIELD has him see right now try to get him to talk about him but it isn’t easy. There are still feeling of guilt and there was something Steve saw in Bucky’s file the other day that just intensified those feelings. He has mentioned him to Clint before, nothing about the guilt or how he died, and it doesn’t feel strange to mention him now. Clint is his friend, the only one he really has right now and it is easier to talk to him about these things.

“What was he like? You mention him sometimes, you sound like you were close.”

Steve stills for just a moment.   He is trying to decide just how much to let Clint know. He starts with something simple.

“He was my best friend. He was the first person to really stand up for me. For a while, he was the only person I had.”

Those words are all the truth, even if they aren’t everything. Clint seems to be able to know that there is a little more to it than that but he doesn’t press for much. They spend a while playing the game and Steve tells Clint a little bit more about Bucky, about his time before he was Captain America. It is nice being able to share this with Clint.

_Bucky’s first kiss comes from a girl named Mary who lives near them. She was pretty with green eyes and curly blond hair and she giggled a lot. Bucky had taken her on a date, had brought Steve along since Mary had a friend named Margot. The date had been all right but Steve was much too nervous to talk to Margot much at all and she had looked a bit relieved when they walked home and her house was the first stop. Margot had shaken Steve’s hand and went inside and Bucky had given him a pat on the shoulder. Mary was still with them and she took Bucky’s hand as they walked back to their neighborhood._

_Steve had walked behind them, tried not to feel upset at things not working out. Mary talked to Bucky the whole time and he listened but every few minutes he would turn and look at Steve, making sure he was still there. When they to her house, Bucky walked her to the door and Steve stayed by the sidewalk. He could still see them and Bucky had leaned close to her to tell her good night and she leaned forward and placed her lips on his. Steve turned away from that, figured he shouldn’t be watching. He had heard Mary’s little giggle and then the sound of the door shutting. Bucky was soon beside him and he had a small smile on his face as they made their way back home._

_Steve’s first kiss comes from Bucky. It wasn’t something either of them thought of it, isn’t what Steve imagined but it happens simply enough. It comes from a question, Steve asking Bucky what a kiss feels like. Bucky had thought about it a moment, told him it was hard to describe but that it usually felt nice. Steve just nods at his answer, wasn’t sure if he knew what he meant by nice. Bucky stares at him for a long moment and Steve is about to ask him what he is thinking when Bucky leans forward, puts his lips on Steve’s._

_He doesn’t move his head away, feels Bucky’s lips on his. They are warm and there is just a hint of pressure and Bucky’s mouth opens just a bit. Steve isn’t sure what to do but he returns the kiss the best way he can figure out how, just puts a little pressure against Bucky’s lips. Bucky pulls away after a moment and he is looking at Steve and there is a hint of worry in his eyes._   
  


_“I thought it would be easier if I just showed you. It might be better, when it is a dame, when it is someone you care for. We can forget about it, if you want.”_

_Bucky is usually so sure with his words that it is strange to hear him ramble. Steve just looks at him for a moment before speaking._

_“I didn’t mind it, it was nice.”_

_Bucky looks relieved and they don’t really talk about it the rest of the night. That was the first kiss but it wasn’t the last._

_They exchanges kisses and touches sometimes, usually when they are both a little lonely. They usually use their hands, sometimes their mouths, and Bucky sometimes worry that he will hurt Steve but he never does. Bucky has his dates but that doesn’t seem to matter and he always comes back to their apartment, climbs into bed with Steve. It is just friends sharing comfort, nothing wrong with it even if others might see it that way. They have always taken care of each other and this is no different. Steve wonders what it might be like when Bucky finally finds a girl he wants to settle down with and he asks him once._

_“We will figure it out. If there is a girl, the right girl, for either of us, then we can stop or we can talk to her about it. “_

_It is the only thing Bucky will say about it and Steve doesn’t mind that. They are not hurting anyone and so there is no reason to stop._

As much as Steve tries to prevent it, his feelings for Clint grow. It is understandable in a way, Clint understands him, is his friend and Steve doesn’t really have anything else.   It is different than his feelings for Bucky, those he had for so long that he never really noticed the shift from friend to more and they were comforting and familiar. They are different from his feelings for Peggy, those were born from admiration and respect, they were the promise of a future he didn’t know he could have. His feelings for Clint do not fill him with the comfort he had with Bucky or the promise he had with Peggy, instead they leave him nervous and uncertain.

He likes Clint, enjoys his time with him and he wants to know more about him and that is part of the problem. He barely knows Clint and even more worryingly, Clint barely knows himself. What Steve has seen these last few weeks could even not really be Clint, the man could be different with all his memories intact, could be someone Steve doesn’t like, who doesn’t like Steve. Even with all the uncertainty, the worry, Steve still seeks out Clint, spends a large portion of his time with him. Even after a conversation with Fury where the man tells him that eventually Clint will be back on field duty and that perhaps Steve should spend some time with other people, Steve spends most of his time with Clint, just can’t stay away from him.

_The war comes and Steve tries to enlist. He is rejected. Bucky tells him not to worry about it, that there are other things they can do, that he probably wouldn’t like the army anyway. The second time he is rejected, Bucky just shakes his head. The third time, there is a fight, Bucky yelling at him for wanting to put himself in danger and Steve yelling back that it is the right thing to do, that he is a coward, and that Bucky is being scared._

_‘’I just want you somewhere safe, want to keep you safe.”_

_That is what it always comes back to, Bucky being Steve’s protector because he doesn’t think Steve can protect himself. It makes anger rise in him and he yells some more._

_“I have to be allowed to stand up for myself, you can’t fight all my battles for me. This is the right thing, there are people who need help and you would just have me stay here.”_

_Bucky starts to say something else but Steve doesn’t listen, goes outside for a bit. They avoid each other the rest of the night and Steve goes to bed early. He half expects Bucky to not go to bed or sleep elsewhere that night but he soon feels another body lay down next to him. Bucky lays close to him and then he whispers in the dark._

_“You know that I just want you to be safe, that you are all I have.”_

_Steve does understand and so he turns closer to Bucky, brushes a kiss against his jaw._

_“I know. You are still a jerk.”_

_He can’t see it in the dark but he is pretty sure Bucky is smiling in the dark._

_“And you are a punk. We should get some sleep.”_

_They sleep together that night and Steve doesn’t say anything about how tight Bucky holds him.They don’t talk about the enlisting after that, though Steve still tries again and Bucky knows it. They don’t talk about the fact that Bucky could go. They can tell each other anything but there are some things they just don’t talk about._

“I’m remembering a bit more now, but is all so random, and I can’t seem to remember the stuff that I want to, that is important.”

There is the usual frustration in Clint’s words as he says this to Steve late one night. It is just Steve and Clint, in Clint’s room with a bottle of vodka that Clint somehow got. Clint wanted to try it again since he wasn’t sure if he liked it even though he knows he doesn’t like whiskey and he makes Steve take drinks out of it even though he can’t get drunk. Clint doesn’t seem to be getting too drunk yet and Steve wonders about his tolerance.

“I remembered this scar today.”

He points to a little mark on his arm.

“How did you get it? “

Steve asks and Clint answers him.

“Burnt myself making funnel cake. I can remember that but I can’t remember my first kiss. Do you remember yours?”

Steve does and he nods.

“So who was the first girl to kiss Captain America, who was your first kiss?”

Clint looks at him expectedly , wants to hear about it. Clint doesn’t realize it but those two questions aren’t the same. Steve hesitates just a moment before speaking.

“The first girl to kiss me was one of the chorus girls when I went on tour. She had drank a little too much and surprised me with it.”

It isn’t a lie even if it isn’t the whole truth. Clint is looking at him, his eyes narrowing just a bit as if he senses that Steve isn’t telling him everything. It makes him just a tiny bit nervous. He decides to change the subject.

“So anything happen today with your lessons?”

Clint shrugs and takes another sip of the vodka before answering.

“Got asked out by a trainee today.”

There is that little bit of jealousy again. Steve ignores it.

“Do you have a date then?”

Clint shakes his head no and there is immediate relief.

“Not cleared to leave this base and don’t want to date a trainee, even though Jones is attractive.”

‘I’m sure she was disappointed.”

Clint gives a bit of a snort at this and then speaks again.

“Jones isn’t a girl.”

Those words sink in a bit. He has been reading more about what is accepted now, had never found that particularly odd in the first place, not with how he felt about Bucky. Clint is watching him closely again.

“I’m sure he was disappointed then.”

He says this simply, gives a little smile and Clint looks relieved that this isn’t a big deal. They are quiet for a moment and Clint takes a few more drinks. He still seems pretty in control of himself but he is looking at Steve, watching him, and his body is a bit tense. He puts the bottle down after a moment, leans closer to Steve.

“ I’m going to do something now. Just don’t hit me too hard if you feel the need, ok?”

Those words are the only warning Steve is given before Clint’s lips are against his. It is like it was years ago with Bucky, Steve not knowing what to do but not pulling away but this time when the kiss stops, he is the first to speak.

“So any reason for that?”

Clint looks a bit nervous and Steve is glad that there is no shrug right now.

“I wanted a kiss, since I can’t remember having one. I like you, trust you, so you are the one I wanted to try it with.”

It is such a simple reason but Clint looks so unsure right now, like he fears what Steve is going to do.

“We don’t have to do it again or talk about it, we can forget it happened. It is alright if you don’t want to be kissed by a man.”

Clint has gotten up now, is almost pacing in front of Steve. He gets up as well, plants himself in front of Clint, puts his hands on his shoulders.

“My first kiss wasn’t the chorus girl, she was just the first girl.”

He needs Clint to understand that he doesn’t mind, that this is ok. Clint seems to get it.

“Bucky.”

Steve nods just a bit. There is so much they could talk about right now but Steve simply tells him a few words.

“I trust you, too.”

It is the truth, even not knowing everything about Clint, knowing that they both have so many issues, Steve trusts him.   Clint lets him lead him back to a seat and they talk some more and before Steve leave to go to his room, he gives Clint another small kiss, a gentle brush of lips.

_The mail comes one day and Bucky gets to it first. There is something for him and Steve glances up from his drawing when Bucky’s eyes widen a bit as he looks at whatever he received._

_“Something important?”_

_Steve asks and Bucky shakes his head, puts whatever he got in his pocket._

_“Nothing to worry about. I have to go out for a while. You be all right?”_

_Steve nods and Bucky leaves. He is gone most of the day and Steve worries just a bit but if it is anything important, Bucky will tell him. It starts to rain as night comes and Bucky finally comes back and he is soaked to the bone when he enters their door. He just walks in and sits down in a chair, his body starting to shake from being wet and a little cold. Steve goes and gets towels and some dry clothes._

_“Hey, you need to change and get dry.”_

_He helps Bucky take off his cloths and he can smell just a bit of alcohol on him. Bucky doesn’t usually drink very much so it is a little worrying that he was drinking tonight after being gone so long._

_“You always take care of me. We take care of each other.”_

_His words aren’t slurring too bad. Steve manages to get him changed and drying off and he gets him some water. He hands it to him and then sits next to him as Bucky takes a few drinks. He stares at Steve for a few moments before he speaks again, his expression sort of sad and concerned about something._

_“If I had to go away for a bit, you would be ok, right? You would still take care of yourself even if I wasn’t here?”_

_He sounds so serious right now. Steve gives him a bit of a confused look as he answers the question._

_“I would be alright, I can take care of myself. What is this about, Bucky?”_

_Bucky is quiet again, finishes off the glass of water and then puts it on the table. He is still looking at Steve and his voice is soft when he speaks._

_“ I have been thinking about what you have said, about the war, about what is happening, how they need men. You are right. “_

_Steve thinks he knows what is going on now and Bucky’s next words confirm it._

_“I enlisted today.”_

_Steve is now the one quiet for a few moments. He could yell at Bucky about how he had been against Steve doing this and now he is doing it, about how he is leaving him alone, how he is putting himself in the danger that he is so adamant that Steve should avoid. He could but it won’t change anything and Bucky is a good man, should be helping and so Steve gives him a little smile before speaking._

_“When do you get your orders?”_

_It is a simple question but they both know Steve is really asking when Bucky is leaving, when it is just going to be Steve. They are so used to being together, haven’t really been apart in years, this will be strange._

_“In the next few days.”_

_Steve nods at this and then asks a few more questions. They talk for a bit before going to bed and Steve isn’t surprised when Bucky’s lips finds his own, when Bucky’s hand trails between his legs._

_“Let me know if I hurt you.”_

_Bucky’s voice is soft again and his hand is rubbing now, the touch a little more possessive than usual._

_“You won’t.”_

_Steve is sure of this and he gives Bucky a kiss after those words. They touch and kiss, just as they have many times before but this is time is a little slower, like they are both trying to make sure it will last, that they will remember how this feels._

Steve isn’t sure how to define his relationship with Clint anymore, if they are just friends or something different. They exchange a few more kisses, a few tentative touches but only in the privacy of their rooms. Steve isn’t sure what Fury will think of this and so he keeps it hidden. It is friends providing each other with comfort and Clint starts to lay in bed with him some nights. He fits a bit differently than Bucky did but Steve likes having him there, likes the comfort of a warm body next to him and it seems to help them both sleep.

Clint is growing restless and Steve sees it as days pass. He has been stuck here for months and it isn’t completely by choice like it has been for Steve. Clint is getting tired of being here, of doing nothing much besides teaching people to shoot better. So it doesn’t come as much of a surprise when Clint tells him he wants to leave the base the next day and he asks Steve if he wants to come with him.

“Are you cleared to leave?”

He shrugs.

“No, but it won’t hurt anyone. We will keep a low profile. Besides, it will be a good way to see if they are paying attention.”

Steve should tell him no, should convince him to makes sure he is clear before he leaves the base but he looks so excited at the possibility of sneaking out that he just tells him yes. It won’t be the first time Steve hasn’t followed the rules and when Clint gives him a happy little smile and then a kiss, he decides that it will be worth it.

_Steve is a bundle of nerves as he stares out of the window of the car. In just a little bit, he will go through the procedure, will find out if it will work. It is enough to make any one nervous but he knows that isn’t the only reason that his stomach is in knots right now. Agent Carter is right next to him._

_Steve isn’t sure he has ever met a girl like her before. She is so confident, capable, doesn’t need anyone to take care of her, and she actually looks at Steve and not everywhere else but him. He tries to think about all the things Bucky has told him about talking to ladies but he really can’t remember any of it and so he looks out of the window. He knows this area and so he points at the different places he has been beat up. Maybe not the best choice of conversation._

_“Did you have something against running away?”_

_Her tone is just a little amused, a bit curious, not disappointed like sometimes Bucky’s would be. He tells her the truth and she tells him that she can understand a little bit of what it is like having doors shut in your face._

_“I just don’t know why you would want to do this if you are a beautiful dame, I mean agent. I mean you are beautiful.”_

_He rambles a bit, and now there is a feeling of worry that he has bumbled everything up. He almost wishes Bucky was here but he would be charming Peggy himself and besides no one really pays much attention to Steve when Bucky is around._

_“You have no idea how to talk to women, do you?”_

_Her voice is not angry and she seems a bit amused by him again. He tells her that this is the longest conversation he thinks he has had with one, about how girls weren’t very keen to dance with someone smaller than them. She talks to him a bit more and her voice is not pitying and she smiles just a bit when he says he is waiting for the right partner. Her smile is beautiful and Steve hopes he gets to see it again._

It really isn’t that hard to sneak away and Steve thinks maybe SHIELD needs better security. It is still strange to see how much everything has changed and Steve tries not to stare too much at things, to look too out of place. There are so many people that he and Clint seem to go unnoticed.

“Want some food?”

Clint asks when they get near a dinner and Steve nods. They get seated in a booth and are given menus. There are some things that Steve aren’t sure what they are but they have pastrami here and he used to like that a lot. The prices seem really high but that might be because from what Steve has read, everything costs more now. He has some money on him, some SHIELD gave him in case he decided to leave base so it won’t be a problem to pay for things. The waitress takes their orders and as she does so, she stares at Steve the whole time.

“Anyone ever tell you that you look like Captain America a little bit?”

“No, I think you are the first.”

Clint has a tiny bit of a smirk on his face as Steve tells her this. Steve tries not show any emotion.

“You do. Just a little bit, your nose looks bigger.”

She walks away at that and Clint is still smirking at him a tiny bit. Steve throws his straw wrapper at him and he catches it, throws it back and of course manages to smack Steve dead between the eyes with it. Steve doesn’t throw it back, drinks his water and waits for their food.

_The formula worked but it cost the Doctor his life and Steve still feels a bit guilty about that. He hadn’t been fast enough to prevent that, had caught the man but it still hadn’t matter. He still feels useless even after they take his blood, after the Senator proposes his plan. This isn’t what Steve wanted but he doesn’t really think he can back now._

_He goes on tour, all over the country. Steve had never really had a chance to see outside of Brooklyn. They used to talk about it, about seeing the rest of the world, him and Bucky, and now they are both out of Brooklyn. It isn’t like when they used to daydream about, talks dreams always had them together. He misses Bucky, feels so very alone even though he is surrounded by girls almost every day. Girls look at him now but all Steve can think about when they talk to him is Peggy, how she looked at him before he was this. He is still getting used to what he is now when they go overseas._

_The performance doesn’t go well but all that is pushed aside when he sees Peggy again. He is glad to see her, even if they are arguing a bit. When she mentions the unit, says it is the 107 all other thoughts leave his head and all he can focus on is the fact that is Bucky’s unit. He has to know and she follows him as he goes to find Phillips._

After lunch, they wander for a bit before deciding to go the museum. It is large and crowded but Steve has always enjoyed looking at art. Some of the paintings are familiar, are ones he knew in his old time and some are new and different. They spend a couple hours in the art section before going to part more focused on history and there is an exhibit about the 1940’s, about the war and Clint grabs his hand and drags him to it.

“I already know all about this.”

It is just a tiny bit of protest, Steve not sure how many memories this is going to drag up. Clint still has a hold of his hand, doesn’t let go of it.

“You can tell me if anything is not right.”

Steve sights just a bit and Clint looks way too amused with this but he keeps a hold of Steve’s hand for a while and that is kind of nice.

There is a section about him and it is very odd to see his whole story laid out for people to see. He looks over it all, can remember when most of the pictures were taken. Clint is beside him but doesn’t say much, lets Steve has this time to think. He finds himself in front of the part about Bucky, sees a picture of him. He looks over the information they have listed, Bucky’s date of birth, where he was from, what year he was drafted. That is the part that makes Steve stare the longest, that little reminder that Bucky had lied, hadn’t told Steve he wasn’t leaving by choice. It can’t be changed now and Steve finds that he wishes Bucky would have told him but there are lots of things Steve wishes for and now will ever come true.

“Did he always wear his hair so short?”

Clint is right beside him and he is staring at the picture of Bucky, looking it over as if he is trying to puzzle something out. It is an expression Steve has seen him wear before, the one he gets when he knows something is familiar and can’t quite place why. Steve just has no idea why a picture of Bucky would cause this reaction.

“Yes, he did. You allright?”

Clint still looks a tiny bit confused but he nods at Steve and after a few more minutes they head back to the base. When they arrive, it turns out Fury had been looking for Clint and when the man finds out they are back, he is not pleased. He says he needs to speak to Clint alone and they go somewhere else as Steve goes back to his room. There is a tiny knot of worry in his stomach and he wonders what consequences Clint will have for leaving the base without permission.

_Steve really doesn’t know Stark all that well but he is helping him to get to where he needs to be, where Bucky is and he is grateful for that, takes the transmitter. Peggy sits across from him, tells him what he needs to know. She is risking a lot for him, they both are and he appreciates it.   His attention is drawn away from what he needs to do as Stark says something to Peggy in a friendly way and it makes a tiny bit of jealousy curl in his guts._

_“Do you two, uh, fondue?”_

_Steve isn’t even really sure what that is but he feels like maybe he should ask. Peggy doesn’t really give an answer and then it is time to get out of the plane so Steve decides that he will figure it out later, right now he has to get to Bucky._

Steve is not surprised when Clint shows up at his door. He opens it and Clint walks in quickly and Steve is about to ask how much trouble he is in when Clint grabs his wrist and pulls him closer, crashes their lips together. The kiss is desperate and needy, not tentative like the first one they had and Steve returns it, wraps his arms around Clint. This is reminding him of that night so long ago when Bucky had told him that he would be leaving and so he has an idea of what Clint is going to say when he finally pulls away.

“I have to leave in the morning, a security detail that I can’t talk about too much.”

“So what you are cleared for active duty now?”

Steve asks. Clint still doesn’t have all his memories back and even though his skills still seem intact, Fury has been reluctant to send him on missions. Clint shakes his head.

“No, still not cleared completely but Fury said he had been thinking of sending me there in a few weeks if I didn’t have any setbacks. Time table got move up because he said if I can sneak off base than I should be ok to baby sit scientists.”

Steve is still holding Clint and he doesn’t look thrilled about this.

“ I won’t be able to see you for a while.”

Steve had already figured that out, wonders what it means for whatever it is they have been doing. He tightens his grip on Clint a little more.

“Well, you can send letters, if people still do that.”

That gets him a tiny grin from Clint.

“And you are here for the night, we have a little bit of time still, we can do something to pass it. “

Clint nods and Steve kisses him. They kiss and touch the rest of the night, little bits of conversation scatter thorough out. Neither of them are pleased about Clint having to leave but they try to make the most of their night. Steve holds Clint in his arms when they decide to try to sleep. His hands are wrapped around Clint’s arms, the hold tight, possibly bruising. There will more than likely be marks on Clint in the morning but neither of them talk about it and Steve can get himself to loosen the grip, to let him go before he has to.

_It is chaos where Steve is, so many men now fighting each other now and the factory is almost a maze. He frees who ever he finds, knows that they will all do what they can to get out of here but he still hasn’t found Bucky. He was told that he was sent to the area no one comes back from but he refuses to believe Bucky is dead until he can’t find him. Bucky is too stubborn to die in a place like this._

_Steve gets to the area that was described and it looks a bit like a makeshift lab. They were doing experiments here and Steve hates the thought of Bucky going through something like that. He still can’t find him and it looks pretty cleared out. He is almost panicked at the thought that he was too late. He is running through the area when he hears some words being murmured over and over again, the voice so very familiar and he follows the sound._

_Bucky is alive, strapped to a table, barely coherent, looks to be in pain, but he is breathing and alive and Steve feels relief wash over him. He has to get him out of here. He gets to the table quickly, starts to undo the straps and he tells Bucky it is him as he works to get him unrestrained._

_“Steve.”_

_That name is filled with such relief, with such hope and gratitude and Steve finally gets him off the table. Now that he has him, now that he knows he is alive, he can finally voice the worry he has had in his gut since Peggy told him that it was the 107._

_“I thought you were dead.”_

_He has no idea what he would have done if Bucky would have been dead._

_Bucky is standing on his own but his legs are shaking and Steve rushes to his side, helps to support his weight. Bucky is looking at him with confusion but he lets Steve help him to walk._

_“I thought you were smaller.”_

_Steve gives him just a little smile as they start to walk away from this area. Steve has his best friend back, has Bucky, now all they have to do is get out of here._

Clint stays the whole night with Steve, doesn’t walk out of the room early like he usually does to prevent people from talking. He kisses Steve before he leaves, tells him he will try to get ahold of him as soon as he can. As he leaves the room, Steve looks him over one more time, wants to remember everything. There are faint red marks on Clint’s arms, not the dark purple bruising he had expected to see and Steve is glad that he hadn’t held him as tight as he thought had.

After Clint leaves, Steve gathers up what he has in his room, packs it away neatly. There is no reason for him to be here if Clint isn’t. He finds Fury and tells him that he will take that apartment now. Fury doesn’t seem surprised and tells him he will have one the next day. Steve returns to his room after that, draws for a while, pictures of bows and arrows, and when it is time to sleep, he lays down in his bed. Sleep doesn’t come for a while, and once it does, it is not very restful. He tosses and turns and when he wakes up, the bed feels empty and cold.  He leaves and he tries not think about how much more alone he feels now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this covers the events of the movie and the next part will be multichaptered and Natasha and James will be back.

_They make it out, Bucky wouldn’t leave him behind and the factory is burned behind them. The walk back to the camp is a long one but Steve doesn’t mind because Bucky is right beside him, alive and not nearly as damaged as he first appeared to be. He is walking on his own now, carrying a rifle and he does not falter in his steps. Bucky is too stubborn to not walk back when Steve is._

_“I’m not used to having to look up when I want to meet your eyes.”_

_Bucky says this as he keeps giving Steve glances. He is still trying to get used to how Steve looks now and Steve gets that, still has trouble with it himself._

_“I’m not used to having to look down.”_

_He smiles a bit when he says this and Bucky chuckles.   He looks exhausted but he is much more coherent than when Steve first found him. He walks right next to Steve, their bodies almost touching and it feels a little bit like the first time they walked home, except this time Steve was the one doing the rescuing._

_“So did the army changed the uniform since I have been gone?”_

_Steve hadn’t thought of changing out of the Captain America costume, had grabbed the shield and the helmet because he thought they might be useful. He should have known that Bucky would notice it and so he shakes his head at him, tells him all about the last few weeks as they make their way to camp._

He is off the base now but not much changes other than his location. Steve still feels lost, not connected to this new time and it is worse now that he spends the majority of his time alone. When he had Clint, it was easier to not think about the memories, to not dwell in the past even when he would tell Clint about it. Now, he is left to his own thoughts, has to make his own distractions and it is not working out well for him. The only thing that makes it a little better is knowing that he should hear from Clint again at some point.

There is a letter from Clint with in three days of Steve leaving the base, forwarded to him by SHIELD. His writing is a bit messy, not the neatest, and there are a few misspelled words, his grammar isn’t the best, but the words sound so much like how they do when he talks that Steve misses him even more. It isn’t very long, barely a page, and Clint can’t tell him much about his mission but Steve is still glad to hear from him, writes a quick reply, tells him about his apartment, about the different things he has learned. He mails it quickly, hopes that it won’t take too long to get to Clint.

_Bucky gets looked over when they get to the camp but he seems to be okay, doesn’t let them look at him too long, says there are others who need it more. He isn’t sure just what they tried to do to him, said he couldn’t really focus on it but he remembers some of what he learned when he was forced to work there, about the men that were with him, about everything that was done to them. He tells Steve all about it, sits with him in the makeshift mess hall after he is done being looked over.   They sit close together, a little bit away from the others, food in front of them that they both eat quickly. They both keep looking at each other, Bucky looking at all the differences the serum caused and Steve looking for any sign that Bucky is more hurt than he has let on._

_“Are you sure you all right? The others said you got sick. Do you still have a cough or anything?”_

_He puts his hand on Bucky’s forehead as he asks, a gesture that Steve used to receive himself all the time from Bucky when he thought Steve had a cold or fever he was trying to hide. It gets him a bit of glare and Bucky swats his hand away._

_“Was this what I was like all those times you forgot your jacket and went out in the rain?”_

_Steve gives Bucky a nod, a little smile. Bucky shakes his head a little then stares out Steve for a long moment._

_“It is going to take some getting used, you being taller than me, looking like this.”_

_His voice is thoughtful, as if he is wondering just how long it will take him to get used to Steve like this._

_“The first few times I woke up after the serum, it felt strange to look into the mirror. Still does sometimes.”_

_Bucky is still staring at Steve as he says this. He looks away after just a moment, goes back to eating, he says one more thing before he takes a bite._

_“Your eyes are still the same though.”_

_Steve wants to ask him about that, if it is a good thing, if it helps make the changes easier to adjust to but that is when someone comes forward, tells him Phillips needs to talk to him. He gets up, gives Bucky a pat on the shoulder as he leaves, is glad that he is here, as safe as he can be._

Peggy is still alive, the only one who is, Steve could visit her, should visit her. The first week he is on his own he thinks about it, rereads the packet they gave him about her, knows that he could contact SHIELD and that they would set up a visit but he can’t bring him self to do it. He misses her, wants to see her, but he is still so lost, so out of place and he doesn’t know how she would react to him being here. She lived a whole life without him, had a career , a family, he would just be a ghost of the past. Even deciding not to visit her right now, he still thinks about her a lot, her and Bucky, and it is almost frightening how close the thoughts of them run together.

Steve loved, loves, was in love with them both, he knows that now. He mourns for the life he could have had with Peggy, mourns for the life he did have with Bucky. He aches for them and it is worse now that he doesn’t have Clint to help ease the pain. Steve isn’t in love with Clint but he feels like he could be one day and it hurts to only have contact through letters, to not know when he will see him again.

_Steve makes sure the bartender knows to keep the tab open and then he leaves the others, goes to find Bucky. He is at the far end of the bar, a little bit away from the others. He turns and faces Steve as he comes closer, gives him a bit of smile._

_“See , I told you, they are all idiots.”_

_There is a hint of amusement in his voice and Steve still has to ask Bucky and so he does, asks him if he will follow Captain America into the jaws of death._

_“Hell no, that little guy from Brooklyn that was too dumb to run away from a fight, I’ll follow him.”_

_The words are soft and Steve is thankful for them, thankful for Bucky even when he makes another crack about the outfit. Steve doesn’t really mind it anymore but soon there is something that makes him stop thinking about it as he catches sight of Peggy, as Bucky catches sight of her._

_She is beautiful, Steve has always thought so but this is the first time he has seen her out of uniform and the dress is very eye-catching. She walks like she doesn’t notice almost every eye is on her or like she doesn’t care and all her focus is on Steve, even with Bucky here. It is not something he is used to._

_She talks to him and Bucky watches them, tries to get her attention. Peggy still ignores him, gives Steve a smile says something about dancing when this is all over and ignores Bucky’s offer, says she is waiting for the right partner and then leaves with a little smile given to Steve. It makes Steve’s stomach knot up but it isn’t an unpleasant feeling this time, is kind of nice._

_“I’m invisible, I’m turning into you. This is a nightmare.”_

_There is dismay in Bucky’s voice but no real irritation, Steve simply smiles at him, says maybe she has a friend. They sit back down and Bucky gets another drink, takes a few swallows before turning to Steve again, giving him one of those long looks that have been happening ever since he got him out of the Hydra compound._

_“She knew you before the serum, right?”_

_Steve gives a nod and Bucky continues speaking._

_“That’s good. She seems like quite a dame.”_

_“She is.”_

_It is just two words but Steve says them with admiration and there is a flicker of something in Bucky’s eyes at them, just a little hint of a frown before it disappears and then he is taking another swallow of beer._

_“That’s good.”_

_He is quiet for a moment after he says this and before Steve can ask him what he is thinking, Bucky asks about Stark and the subject moves away from Peggy._

A couple of weeks pass and Steve gets three more letters from Clint, writes three in return, goes through five punching bags and two sketch books.  None of it helps much and he spends his days trying to find out what he has missed and at night he tries to sleep. That does not go well.

He still has the nightmares and he isn’t used to sleeping alone. One night he finds himself waking up, reaching for a body next to him but there isn’t any one there. He doesn’t know if he was reaching for Bucky or Clint, just knows that neither are here and that he won’t get anymore sleep. He gets up, puts on work out cloths, goes to where he knows he can get in, tapes up his hands and gets to work on the punching bags. He destroys one, is on his second when Fury shows up and Steve knows that something has happened.

_“I can’t remember the last time I got to lay on something even close to a mattress.”_

_They are in their room for the night, an actual room and not a tent or a shelter like it will be soon enough and Bucky looks thrilled to see the bed. Steve can’t blame him, saw the conditions that Hydra put him in and it makes a little anger flare, he pushes it down, focuses on Bucky._

_“I thought it would be all right if we share, it isn’t something we aren’t’ used to after all. “_

_In truth, Steve has missed sharing bed, had gotten used to Bucky being there that he had trouble sleeping with out him. Bucky shrugs his shoulders, sits down and takes off his shoes._

_“It might be a bit more crowded than I remember.”_

_“ I think we can manage.”_

_They turn out the lights, lay down. It is a bit different that before, Bucky doesn’t bring Steve closer doesn’t put his arm around him and try to draw him closer. In fact, he seems to be trying to not touch Steve. It doesn’t feel right so Steve turns to his side, makes sure he is close to Bucky, is touching him as he speaks, his voice filling the darkness of the room._

_“I missed you, Bucky.”_

_Simple words and there is a breath before Bucky speaks._

_“I missed you, too.”_

_He has turned his head when he says this and his mouth is close to Steve’s and he moves forward with out thinking, brushes a kiss on them. Bucky pulls back quickly._

_“Don’t feel like you have to do that, we don’t have to do that anymore if you don’t want to, if you want those things with just a dame now.”_

_He can hear what Bucky isn’t saying, that if he wants just Peggy now then Bucky won’t touch him but Peggy isn’t his right now and he has missed this._

_“I want to. If something changes, I will let you know, we will handle it then.”_

_He doesn’t give Bucky a chance to say anything else, leans forward and gives him another kiss. Bucky doesn’t pull away this time and Steve thinks about how much nicer this is than the kiss Anne gave him on the tour when she was lonely and had been drinking. Bucky was right that first night, that it is different when it is someone you care about._

_They kiss and touch like before and Bucky lets his fingers linger a lot, almost as if he is trying to feel all the changes that have happened to Steve since he was gone. It feels nice, Bucky’s touch has always felt nice and it is good to have it back. Steve returns each touch, each kiss, and he thinks that Bucky has missed this too. They finish up after a while and then they just lay together and Bucky does wrap an arm around him now. They fit together a little differently than before but it is still a fit and they fall asleep._

Steve hasn’t seen Fury since he requested the apartment and it is odd to have him here, making chit chat at him. They talk for just a bit, Fury telling him that there might be things that will still surprise him, that he would bet ten dollars on it. Steve really just wants to know why he is here, if there is a mission and Fury then asks him what he knows about the tesseract, pulls out a file and hands it to Steve. It had been found before he had been and they have been experimenting with it now. Steve isn’t sure how to feel about this, tells him they should have left it at the bottom of the ocean.

“Too late for that now and it has been taken by someone who calls himself Loki.”

“How much does he know about it?”

Steve knows he has a packet in his apartment but if he is going on this mission, he wants to hear as much from Fury as he can.

“I’m not certain but he has a spear, used it to put some people under his command, among them Dr. Selvig and Agent Barton.”

Steve freezes a bit when Fury says this and he knows that he is going on this mission, will see it through not only to help the world but to make sure Clint is all right. He has lost too much already, won’t lose him.

_Steve is caught off guard by Phillip’s assistant and when she is trying to kiss him that is when Peggy comes in. She is angry, very annoyed and Steve really has no clue what to do and so he asks about Stark which he quickly finds out was not the right thing to do. He talks to Stark about it and that doesn’t really clear anything up either. When he sees her again that day, she shoots at him and Steve decides he still has no idea how to talk to women. Bucky chuckles when he tells him but he also lays close to him again that night, tells Steve not to worry about it too much, that if she’s the right girl, it will work out._

_She cools off a bit towards him the next few days, as they get everything ready to start taking out Hydra. They are in the middle of a war and that takes up most of their attention. Still, he finds himself taking glances of her during briefing and every once in a while she glances back at him. He feels something for her, remembers both of their words about waiting for the right partner and so he decides to wait, to take care of Hydra and then there will be time to figure out how to talk to Peggy. She wishes him luck when they head out and he takes that as a good sign._

Steve is to be debriefed by Phil Coulson as they make their way to where Fury has set up command for this mission. The agent introduced himself to Steve, seemed both nervous and excited and Steve remembers Clint telling him once that Coulson was a big fan of Captain America. Steve shakes his hand.

“ Agent Barton told me about you before, said you were his handler.”

Coulson returns the hand shake.

“ I was, have known him for years even if he is mixed up about it right now. Fury told me you guys got close while he was there.”

“ We tried to help each other. Different situations but both of us had no idea what was going on, it was nice to have some one to talk to. Any more word about him yet?”

Coulson shakes his head. Steve wonders how difficult Clint’s situation has been for him, for his friend to not remember him and now he has been brainwashed to act as an enemy .

“Loki took him, we haven’t seen sight of him since then. We will get him back, we have when he was taken before.”

There is a flicker of determination and something that almost looks like guilt on Coulson’s face and Steve is once again curios about just what led to Clint being off duty, to not remember anything about himself. Before he gets a chance to ask, Coulson changes the subject, tells him that they need to start the debriefing. Coulson tells him about Dr. Banner, about the other attempts at the super solider serum, about his costume. It is a lot to take in and Steve tries but there are feelings of worry about whether they will be able to stop disaster, if Clint is alright.

They land soon enough off and a woman comes up to them, one that tells Coulson he is needed on the bridge. Coulson nods and leaves them and Steve turns to the woman, offers his hand out, introduces himself. She gives him a smile as she shakes his hand.

“I have heard quite a bit about you Captain, my aunt talked about you sometimes. Agent Sharon Carter, nice to meet you.”

He lets go of her hand at this looks at her closely, Peggy’s niece. He can see just a bit of her in the woman in front of him now and it makes something in him aches again.

“I should go see her, when this is over.”

He tells her this and then Agent Carter tells him that yes he should before introducing him to Dr. Banner. The man is a bit fidgety ,apprehensive, and Steve can ‘t blame him so he tells him simply that all he cares about it if he can find the cube.   Banner deserves the benefit of doubt just as everyone else does.

_Steve finds a picture of her and takes it with him, puts it in his compass. It is a silly thing but he likes to think maybe it will be a good luck charm. Mostly he just likes having something that makes him think of her. He keeps it to himself at first and it is the second mission before anyone notices it and of course it is Bucky._

_“You know most fellows put a picture that their gal sends them after they ask for one, not one they find laying around that she doesn’t know they have.”_

_His tones is joking and he tries to pick up the compass. Steve closes it and puts it in his pocket before Bucky can get a hold of it._

_“Guess I’m not like most fellows.”_

_Bucky looks at him, a soft look in his eye._

_“No, you’re not but she isn’t like most gals, is she?”_

_The question is simple. Bucky has teased him a bit about her, asks questions sometimes, and this is just another one._

_“No, she isn’t.”_

_There is a flicker of something in Bucky’s eyes at this but it passes quickly and then he is giving Steve a smirk._

_“Well, let’s take care of Hydra and then maybe you can talk to her without making her want to shoot you.”_

_Steve just shakes his head at his, goes back to what he was doing before Bucky saw the compass._

They capture Loki in Germany, his brother showing up as well, but Clint is still on the loose and they are no closer to figuring out what Loki’s plan is. Banner is tracking the tesseract and Stark is supposed to be helping but he seems to be antagonizing everyone more than helping. He rubs Steve the wrong way, reminds him a bit of Howard but also doesn’t at the same time and he has read enough about to not have the best impression of him. The fact that he is hacking SHIELD does not change that impression. There is just enough doubt placed by what he is saying, what Banner is saying that Steve goes exploring.

There are crates hidden in the ship. Steve finds them, opens them up and what he sees is angers him. At first he thinks it is an old Hydra weapon but then he realizes that it is not worn enough to be, is much too new. They haven’t been using the tesseract just for energy. He takes one of them, goes back to the lab, confronts Fury. He isn’t the only one to do so and soon enough there are arguments flying, tempers flaring and then there is hit on the location of the tesseract and then there is no more time for arguments.

_The team works well together and Steve trusts all of them, feels better having them with him when he goes into battle. Bucky is usually the one right by his side, if not by his side than he is at a vantage point, some where he can cover Steve. He is a good shot and it helps them out and today had no exception._

_“You almost got hit today.”_

_Bucky says this quietly, has his fingers on Steve’s chest, across his heart. They are on their bedrolls, away from the others, laying closely together, something they haven’t done in a while. They still sleep next to each other most of the time but they are careful about how close, don’t want the others to be uncomfortable. Steve doesn’t know if it would be a big deal and sometimes he thinks the reason that Bucky sleeps a little farther away from him now is because of Peggy but he doesn’t ask about it._

_“I didn’t. You were there.”_

_He puts his fingers on top of Bucky’s, thinks he needs the contact right now. It wasn’t too close of a call but just enough to shake Bucky up. He always worries about Steve, wants to protect him even now that Steve doesn’t need it as much._

_“I just worry one day I won’t be.”_

_His fingers are still on Steve’s chest and he moves just a little closer to Steve , puts his head so it is on Steve’s shoulder. It feels a little odd, not wrong just different from before when it would be Steve who would put his head on Bucky’s shoulder._

_“I don’t think I can get rid of you. I think we are stuck together.”_

_It is a bit of a joke but Steve really does mean it, can’t picture not having Bucky with him. Bucky doesn’t say anything to it but Steve can feel him relax a bit at his side and after a while, they both try to get some sleep._

They manage to stay in the air but just barely, Loki manages to escape, and Phil Coulson is dead. Fury tells them this, also tells them that Clint is back under his own control, got knocked around and it shook whatever hold Loki had on him loose but he doesn’t know where Loki is going. They are still a step behind, out matched and Stark is not taking it well. He knew Coulson more than Steve did, is shaken by his death and Steve wants to see Clint but he stays with Stark for a while, talks to the man, tries to help him understand that sometimes sacrifice is necessary, that they still need to fight Loki.

“It’s personal, Loki made it personal.”

Stark says these words and Steve isn’t quite sure what he is referring to but then Stark is thinking out loud, comes to a conclusion. His tower is where Loki is going to go.

“I will meet you there, need to speak to someone first.”

Stark agrees and goes to fix his suit, to try to get there before the portal is open and Steve goes to see Clint.

_“Remember that time at Cooney Island when I made you ride the cyclone?”_

_Bucky asks this as they are on the mountain top, getting ready to catch the train Zola is on. Steve turns to him, give him a bit of nod as he answers._

_“Yep and then I threw up.”_

_“Is this payback?”_

_Steve smiles at Bucky when he says this, asks him why he would do that and Bucky just gives him a bit of a shrug. When it is time, Steve goes first and Bucky is right behind. They make the jump with out a problem, get on the train. They are attacked and Steve is knocked down and what happens next is fast and horrifying._

_The side of the train is blown away and Steve feels his heart stop for a second when he thinks Bucky has been as well, he runs, needs to know. He gets to the opening and Bucky is there, hanging on to the railing. Steve climbs out as far as he can, tells him to hold on, he does but the railing is falling. He reaches out, just needs a few more inches to grab Bucky’s hand but he can’t stretch far enough and the railing isn’t strong enough. He’s falling, Bucky is falling, screaming and Steve can’t get to him, can only watch as he keeps falling, as the train keeps moving. He loses sight of him quickly, can’t hear his screams anymore and something inside of Steve is breaking, shattering to pieces._

He finds Clint in a room, sitting by himself. There are a few guards close by but Steve ignores them, goes into the room and when Clint looks up, his eyes are how Steve remembers them, not the cold blue that he saw when he watched the footage of when Loki took him. He looks exhausted, shattered and Steve goes and sits by him, knows there isn’t much time but Clint may need to talk.

“Phil’s dead.”

He says it plainly but there is pain in his voice.

“I know. Loki’s fault, not yours.”

He doesn’t know if Clint believes him but Steve has to say this, has to try to help him let go of the guilt.

“I was there, Thor knocked me out of the way when I tried to get Loki out of the cell. I was out for a few minutes and when I came to, my head was my own again and Phil was laying on the ground bleeding, with Fury right next to him.”

Steve takes his hand, gives the fingers a little squeeze. Clint keeps talking.

“I’m remembering now, Loki did something when he had me, wanted my knowledge of SHIELD so he opened up my mind, got my memories back, not all of them, not yet, but I remember Phil now. He was my friend, one of the few I had, and I led the attack that got him killed.”

There is so much guilt in his voice and Steve knows that it is going to take time to make it go away, time they don’t have but there is one thing Steve can offer him.

“Stark knows where he is going, we are going to stop him. Think you’re up for a fight?”

Clint stands up after Steve asks this and Steve stands up with him.

“Against Loki? Yea, think I might feel better when I put an arrow through his eyeball.”

There is confidence in his voice and Steve tells him to suit up and he leaves the room, prepared to knock out the guards in case they try to stop them but they aren’t there anymore and instead Agent Carter is there.

“Need a lift to somewhere, Cap?”

He tells her yes and then the three of them are leaving, getting ready for a battle Steve isn’t sure they will win.

_The alcohol still burns a bit going down his throat but it doesn’t numb him, doesn’t take his mind off of Bucky. Steve sits in a husk of building, eyes still wet and he can see it as it was a couple months ago, when he had gotten Bucky back, when he asked him to follow him into war. He wishes he would have never asked, that Bucky hadn’t been with him on that train but deep down, he knows it wouldn’t have matter whether he asked or not, Bucky would still have followed him._

_There are footsteps and then Peggy is in front of him, sits down. He tells her how he can’t get drunk and she tells him that it wasn’t his fault. Steve doesn’t believe that, knows that Bucky died because he was trying to protect him. She asks him if he respected Bucky and he tells her yes._

_“Then respect your friend’s choice.”_

_“Bucky was more than my friend, he, I , we…well”_

_It is hard to tell her but he needs to in this moment so he tries to find the easiest words, needs to explain this to her._

_“We were all each other had for a very long time. We cared for each other.”_

_He takes another drink and he sees her eyes widen and there is understanding written in her face. Understanding but not anger, not disgust, and she reaches forward and takes his hand. Her touch is warm and soft and it is a tiny bit of comfort when the rest of him feels so cold._

_“I’m not going to stop till Hydra is gone.”_

_Steve means it, he is going to stop them, make sure they can’t take any more lives like they took Bucky’s._

The fight is chaos, madness but Steve does all he can, plans out the defense. It is difficult and there is destruction but they do it, they hold back the invaders, Stark stops the bomb, and they get the portal closed. They are all banged up, bruised and bloody but Loki is captured and they sit around a table eating something Stark called shawarma.

Steve is exhausted and he keeps glancing over at Clint, wants to make sure he is as all right as he can be. There are cuts and bruises on him but nothing that Steve can see that should be too serious. He sits right next to Steve, is very quiet right now, they all are but there is a very troubled look on Clint’s face. Steve taps his knee, draws his attention without anyone else really noticing and Clint gives him a glance, a nod. Steve takes it as a promise that they will talk about it later.

_Steve’s hands are tight on the controls and he has the radio open, is relived when he hears Peggy’s voice. He knows what he has to do, knows he won’t be able to see her again but at least he can hear her voice one more time. He thinks about the kiss they shared earlier, how he wishes there could have been more as he explains what is happening. Her voice is panicked when she realizes what he is going to do and he does his best to get her to understand._

_“This is my choice.”_

_He puts the compass where he can see it as he tells her that, as he gets ready to guide the plane down into the water. She keeps talking to him and they plan out a dance he knows he won’t be able to make. He is at the water when he tells her that he doesn’t want to step on her toes and it starts to fill up the plane and he lets go of the controls now, grabs his compass. He takes his shield, goes to a spot and closes his eyes as the water starts to touch him. It is cold, so very cold and he thinks about Peggy, about how he would have liked to have had that dance, and he thinks about Bucky, about the train. The last thought he has before he loses conciseness is that at least he will see Bucky again soon._

They stay with Stark that night, in the rooms of the tower that weren’t destroyed. Clint and Steve take the same one and if the others notice, they don’t say anything and Steve doesn’t really care. They sit together on a bed, so close they are touching ,and for a long time they are both silent, just taking comfort from the other’s presence.

“He said he wasn’t the first to steal me.”

Clint says this and Steve turns to look at him. He is not looking at Steve right now, is staring out into the distance. Steve grabs his hand, squeezes and Clint does look at him now.

“What?”

Steve isn’t sure what Clint means by this but he can tell that it is bothering him.

“Loki said I had been stolen and re-stolen before he took me. He talked like my memory loss wasn’t a result of the coma, that there was something else going on. He taunted me about it a little, when he gave me my memories back, it was mostly SHIELD, some of my child hood, but those years that I was missing, he didn’t give those back, said they would come back eventually but that they weren’t needed right now. He said that a truth was being hidden from me.”

“Do you believe that?”

Steve hates the idea that SHIELD has possibly lied about Clint’s memory loss, are keeping something from him. He knows it is possible but he also knows that Loki can’t exactly be trusted either. Clint gives him a shrug.

“Not sure. I will figure it out later, right now, we need sleep.”

Steve agrees with him, holds him when they lay down.

_Steve’s thoughts are fuzzy and he can’t see, knows somehow that his eyes are closed. It is like he is waking up but when he tries to open his eyes, he can’t. Everything is cold and stiff but it almost feels like he is warming up slightly. He isn’t sure what is going on, is having trouble focusing._

_“Oh my god, this guy is still alive.”_

_He hears the voice just barely, can’t answer it. His thoughts are starting to drift away again, he is starting to go back to sleep, but as he does, he realizes what this means. The crash didn’t kill him. His last though before he falls back asleep is that he was supposed to see Bucky and now he won’t._

Clint comes back to Steve’s apartment with him after Thor takes Loki. He says he can’t go back to SHIELD yet, needs to be away from it. Steve can tell that he is still bothered by some of the things Loki told him, is still mourning for what Loki cost him. He is even more lost that he was when Steve first met him.

“When you are ready, I will try to help you figure out what happened when you were missing.”

Steve tells him this and Clint tells him thanks. He isn’t sure how much help he can give Clint, but he will do all that he can to help him. Clint is what he has and he isn’t going to let him go. When they lay down, he wraps his arms around him and Clint lays his head on Steve's chest and it feels right. They are both still broken but maybe they can put each other back together again. He knows that they will at least try. 


End file.
